I’m writing this now because it’s definitely less painful now than it was then but there have been 2 instances in my life where this has happened and I can remember them so clearly in my mind.
I was speaking to one of my friends the other day about a recent dilemma that had come up regarding this and he laughed at me and said that I was talking about my friendship and break up with these girls like we had been in a relationship. Of course, that is 100% not true no matter how hard he wished it was but there are more than some comparisons that can be made.
Friendships between best friends is one of trust, mutual respect and honesty. When that sort of friendship ends, it’s really really intense (well for me it was anyway). In some ways, it was worse than breaking up with most of my boyfriends because I don’t believe that you share the same kind of connection with them. I know I didn’t. Your best friend knows every little detail, every irrational fear, every dirty secret…when it all came to blows, I became very aware of the fact that these girls knew absolutely everything.
The worst thing about it was the fact that I know exactly what those girls would say about me when bitching to other mates of theirs because I’ve heard them bitch about people to me. So now I know exactly what they’ve been telling complete strangers.
Unfortunately, I am one of those people who are very self conscious and aware of what others think. I’m sure there are some of you out there who could just brush this off without a second thought but I’m a little obsessive compulsive. I like to analyse things and have an awful habit of playing moments back over and over in my head, making it seem a lot bigger and scarier than it really is. I got so worked up over the smallest little comment.. I grieved for weeks but now I’ve accepted it and I’ve moved on.
To be honest, I don’t really care what happened anymore because it was just so fucking long ago. I’m at peace with it all. I don’t regret a thing. I don’t really want more drama in my life. I hate fighting and being pissed off. I’m sick and tired of feeling miserable all the time just because ONE person isn’t talking to me anymore. Of course I’m still upset by what happened (who wouldn’t?) but I don’t wish that things were different. I think I knew from the beginning that things would come to a head.
Has anyone else had a similar kind of experience with a close friend? I’d like to hear about how you felt and coped? Am I being really weird about this?