Divorcing your best friend

I’m writing this now because it’s definitely less painful now than it was then but there have been 2 instances in my life where this has happened and I can remember them so clearly in my mind.

I was speaking to one of my friends the other day about a recent dilemma that had come up regarding this and he laughed at me and said that I was talking about my friendship and break up with these girls like we had been in a relationship. Of course, that is 100% not true no matter how hard he wished it was but there are more than some comparisons that can be made.

Friendships between best friends is one of trust, mutual respect and honesty. When that sort of friendship ends, it’s really really intense (well for me it was anyway). In some ways, it was worse than breaking up with most of my boyfriends because I don’t believe that you share the same kind of connection with them. I know I didn’t. Your best friend knows every little detail, every irrational fear, every dirty secret…when it all came to blows, I became very aware of the fact that these girls knew absolutely everything.

The worst thing about it was the fact that I know exactly what those girls would say about me when bitching to other mates of theirs because I’ve heard them bitch about people to me. So now I know exactly what they’ve been telling complete strangers.

Unfortunately, I am one of those people who are very self conscious and aware of what others think. I’m sure there are some of you out there who could just brush this off without a second thought but I’m a little obsessive compulsive. I like to analyse things and have an awful habit of playing moments back over and over in my head, making it seem a lot bigger and scarier than it really is. I got so worked up over the smallest little comment.. I grieved for weeks but now I’ve accepted it and I’ve moved on.

To be honest, I don’t really care what happened anymore because it was just so fucking long ago. I’m at peace with it all. I don’t regret a thing. I don’t really want more drama in my life. I hate fighting and being pissed off. I’m sick and tired of feeling miserable all the time just because ONE person isn’t talking to me anymore. Of course I’m still upset by what happened (who wouldn’t?) but I don’t wish that things were different. I think I knew from the beginning that things would come to a head.

Has anyone else had a similar kind of experience with a close friend? I’d like to hear about how you felt and coped? Am I being really weird about this?

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2 thoughts on “Divorcing your best friend

  1. tfaswift says:

    Yes, I have been through the same thing. And yes, she then went and stabbed me in the back until there was nothing left back there but a butchered spine. It almost destroyed another really important relationship with another friend, because she kind of believed all the crap that was being said about me. But thankfully I was able to salvage that friendship. How did I cope? I’m not sure that I did. The whole thing lasted a few weeks and it’s all a blur. I was angry, depressed, I cried sometimes, there were loads of phone calls, I couldn’t sleep … but in the end, it finally passed. Eventually, the dust settled and that was that. You’re not being weird about anything. And it’s normal to feel upset when you know that people are not just gossiping about you, but taking all the secrets and personal stuff that you confided in them and telling the whole world. That’s the lowest kind of undignified behaviour. But you know what I’ve found? When that kind of thing happens, it feels like you’re on the front page of the news and the paparazzi are camped outside your door. It’s a nightmare. But just like with all “sensational” news, people eventually lose interest and start talking about somebody else’s misfortune. Such is human nature for many people. If it hasn’t already, the spotlight will move off you in due course and life will carry on. We should try not to keep toxic people in our life. Cutting them out hurts like hell, but if they’re bad for you, it’s worth it. Time will heal the wound.

  2. You aren’t being weird at all. To answer your question, yes I have had experiences such as yours.

    One was with a woman who I only knew slightly vicariously through my friendship with her sister-in-law. She bounded into my life when my husband was dying and as she told me later she was reading my posts on a social network and realized I needed help. Boy did I ever need help! She stayed the course through 3 months of my husband’s illness. She stayed the course through the funeral and for a year afterward. She stayed the course and helped while I picked myself up. I mention this because everyone else I knew, literally EVERYONE else had utterly abandoned me. It was as if I had died along with my husband.

    I did tell her a few times that I won’t always be like this…weak, depressed, grieving, sad, incapable of functioning…I told her and told her. She said in response, “I’m staying.”. It got opressive to me. I started pulling back. She had started stalking me and I started hiding. One day she issued an ultimatium to me: “Stay my friend and I will give you information about your son. Cut me off and you get nothing.” (My son is enlisted in the Army. We had a falling out due to his actions. He stayed in touch with her. Even while in Iraq and later in Afghanistan.)

    I dislike ultimatiums intensely. I can recall issuing just one in my life. Just one. But I was willing to follow through.

    I made the decision, given the absence of information she was giving me–which was nothing at all except my son was alive—to cut her off. I felt she attempted to imprison me in a friendship that was at one time important to my survival but that had changed to an overburdensome problem. She then started calling other friends of mine, including my boss’s wife and others that I prefered not to know about anything and telling them she worried about my mental health. That was damaging.

    Its curius to have relied on someone for so much to have it suddenly change to “someone I used to know”.

    I am at the end of another situation similar to that. I’ve been writing about it on my own blog. Friends I knew and helped immensely (through my work) for free have gone silent. I went to one friends house and asked them what was going on. She then started to list all the infractions and/or crimes aka bad behavior she accused me of doing. Uh ok. I apologized for those as I was wrong. It was a YEAR ago! It is not relevant now. Others too now are bringing up things I said or did (their recollection is different than mine) in an attempt to explain to me why they are now silent. Its all bullshit if you ask me. You were my friends and now you’re not? Because you manufacture something that may or may not have occured over a year ago? Ok I think. Fine. However, you must must must stop talking about me, gossiping about me, expanding on your lies about me. The rest of you? You must must must stop listening to the lies. I am simple. I have told them all if you hear something about me? Tell me. If you wonder what you hear is the truth? Ask ME! Don’t compare notes with others that seem to be happy at the downturn in circumstance in my life.

    I think ultimately when another gossips, backstabs, connives or puts down another then that speaks more about them than me. It does not hurt any less knowing that however. It just helps to remind me to stay away from them. Even if it means I currently have no friends!

    I apologize for this lengthy diatribe but your posting and question struck a cord with me. 🙂

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